Monday, October 18, 2004

Freeze brained

Mayeetot,

I've been thinking what cuss you wanted to utter to my ears. I froze at the thought that you'd actually PI me.

I wouldn't have had the courage to say the same words back to you. I didn't want to.

Of course, I'm no saint. I also cuss. And I'm profusely sorry I told you sh*t. I should have done this -- apologize -- a long time ago, but I never meant it in my heart... uttered "shit" in jest. May it's one thing that would take me a lifetime to be sorry for.

But a lesson, once learned and never forgotten, is progress.

Maybe it was me who started a relationship that makes blithe use of rank language at the slightest provocation. Or by force of habit. But I never really wanted to hammer out differences by cussing. I don't believe for a minute it's a proper way of communicating.

Effective communication can sometimes take place through the nearness of silence (to borrow a line from a familiar song). And I always believed time has its way of healing wounds.

I also believe you'd find a match of a lifetime, as sure as you've been praying for one.

And I'm sure he'll be someone you can be proud of, someone you don't have to hide from your relatives, cousins, your dad.

Someone whom you need not "train" into accepting dropped or cut calls, and accept the fact that cutting an overseas call is part of the whole age-gap equation.

I did compose at least one long letter (my understanding of the relationship between love and freedom) and some text messages for you which I opted to simply keep close to my heart. They're not cusses.

Maybe you'll find one great and true love — warts, cusses and all — in the most unexpected places.

I do hope to find the same except for the cusses, if it's something I can do without.

But I don't think I'll ever find one anytime soon. Not through my own efforts. I guess she will just come. I need to go back to basics, by trusting God with all my might in everything I wish to happen.

I do browse through clickthecity.com. The book reviews (which I presume were all written by you) are pretty good. I can tell you're having a whole lotta fun in your work. I mean, getting paid to watch a movie or a gig is one good way to spend the prime of your life, isn't it?

Thanks for being a part of me, Mayee. I've been trying not to send this to you. But ours was one great love, whose crests and drops beat the most exciting roller-coaster ride in the world.

But I have come to accept that courage means never being afraid to lose what's never meant to be.

Have fun in new your new-found world and take care.


P.S.

Sid Ventura is a friend of mine, if he stills remember me. He knows Sam and Leo too. Send my regards to him.

You exchanged text messages pala with my mama. So what was it about? She never clarified things with me. She texted me lang about it, saying you asked her about the Kasanggayahan Festival.