Wednesday, July 21, 2004

Excuses, excuses

Yeah, work is no excuse.

How about death?

Maybe we really belong to different worlds.

I'm just so wrecked these days. With too many people on vacation (remember it's summer time here) and another guy on training, i've got my hands full.

If you're going to punish me with a lifetime of tampo which has no beginning, no ending, it's like a death knell for me.

I woke up with a terrible headache this morning.

Tried to read the sleazy book you gave me so could have something to talk about with you.

Problem is, you have all the time in the world to think of all the reasons why you should be upset with me.

Oh mayee, I'll try to live with all these till I can.

Fact is, it's you i miss forever. It's you I wanna be with and kiss until I melt into the ether. Only to be remembered for the passion I had for you.

And I'd like to freeze the three hours we were together before I left early this month.

But time has to move on. Flowers have to bloom from the bud. Fruits have to ripen. They are either harvested or just fall on the ground and wait for another season for the seed to become sapling.

What's the point?

Time is one of the things that's beyond my control.

Yeah, maybe you don't feel i'm not passionate enough about our newly-revived love.

But you'll never know... coz you probably busy trying to figure out how to extend a season of tampo against me.

It's not fair, esp. at a time when Ive ran out of load and money to buy load. with 8 days to go before payday.

So email is all I'm going to do now.

Kung magtatampo ka and you'll stonewall me, it's your judgment call. It's your choice. It's your freedom.

Just follow your heart.

As i will mine.

From: mayee niproc
Sent: Monday, June 21, 2004 9:08 pm
To: Jay Hilotin
Subject: RE: snubbing

That doesn't even begin to answer my questions. That's all you can say, "sige, magtampo ka"??
Magtatampo talaga ako.
You always make work your excuse.
I was listening last night.  I caught every word you said.  Pero I wasn't interested in discussing it further, kaya wala akong sinabi.  Wala naman akong kaalam-alam sa business.  Tsaka it was 3 AM here, what did you expect?  To top it all off, galit na ako sa 'yo nun. 
Lalo pa ngayon.  You're stoking the fire.  Instead of making everything okay.  Ewan.
Alam mo bang naiinis ako everytime I remember what you did with that Angela, that you allowed yourself to even get close to a BIMBO like her?  That you held her waist like that and showed me the freaking picture?  Nabubuwisit ako.  And you're not doing anything to help me get over it.  Buti na lang nawala 'yung digicam mo, kung 'di ako ang magtatapon nun sa sahig (o baka sinabi mo lang na nawala, so I won't push it?).  Plus there's the Manens picture. 

And countless other girls you've kissed--doesn't matter if it's "only" on the cheek.  Buti sana kung lesbos, pero hindi.  Who knows who among them gave you a hard-on.  Who knows how many were featured in your liquid dreams.  Who knows what Angela did to you in your daydreams, or in real life.  Who knows where you took her, how much you spent on her, how many times you touched her and WHERE.  I wanna bash her already ugly face.  Oh yes, this is jealousy galore.  Naiinsulto rin ako dahil you even THOUGHT of replacing me with someone like that.  A lowlife.  A SLUT!  Gawd. 
And don't even try throwing back "Who knows what Igo and you have done".   I have documentation, 'kala mo.  Jem has read our chat exchange.  I can make you read everything that was ever said between us, if I want to.  But I don't want to.

I think it'll always be unfair.  I'll always be shortchanged.  And it's not by virtue of age.  I actually think your holding out is great--admirable.  What isn't so great is that you almost broke your record...and you did it while claiming to still be in love with me.  I don't know how you could've gone out with other people when you still had feelings for another girl.  Ako 'di ko maisip na lumabas with someone and spend hours with him putting my best foot forward...para saan?  Only to show my true colors after 2, 3 months?  Dating people you don't know that well is a no-no for me.  It's an exhausting exercise.  Sasabihin mo you only did 'cause I encouraged you...  Ha!  And how many things from what I say do I mean when I'm angry?  Don't take everything at face value.  You should know what I really think.  If you don't, that only means we're not on the same wavelength.
Sana you're doing something to dislodge these negative thoughts from my overactive mind, ano?  Sana nga.  Pero you're not.  You're not helping any.  And it's sad.  Pathetic, even.

Jay Hilotin wrote:

Sige, magtampo ka.

When I woke up, I rushed to the office, no bath, no breakfast. didn't even comb.

toothbrush lang at hilamos.

i was late for the morning meet.

i was upset and tired last night, sort of regretted calling you.

pero okay lang, kasi antok ka na.

> ----------
> From: mayee niproc
> Sent: Monday, June 21, 2004 7:53 pm
> To: Jay Hilotin
> Subject: snubbing
> Ang tagal-tagal mo sumagot. Di mo siguro binabasa kaagad. Or you do, pero you put off answering till later.
> Sabi ko wag kang complacent. Make me feel loved. And be CONSISTENT! I hate it when you forget what you told me just a minute ago. When I talk to you your mind is somewhere else. Ano ba 'yun? Sayang lang ang tawag kung 'di ka naman pala makakausap nang matino.
> And you still don't text before I do. Hinihintay ko na nga ang hapon para mauna ka...pero hanggang gabi pa ang paghihintay. Bakit ka ganyan? It's frustrating (nth time it is), to say the least.
> 'Di na kita papansinin hanggang mauna ka. Lagi na lang akong nauuna. Kung 'di rin kita inunahan this year, siguro hanggang ngayon you're giving me the cold shoulder. 'Pag nag-aaway tayo, ako man o ikaw ang nagsimula, ako pa rin ang nauunang mamansin. Ayoko na nang ganyan. Matagal mo na 'yung ginagawa eh...hanggang ngayon ba ganun pa rin ang ibibigay mo sa 'kin? Buti pang ibalik ang lahat sa dati bago ka umuwi, kasi parang ganun naman nga ang nangyayari. Naiinis lang ako sa 'yo ulit.
> Sasabihin mo 'di kita naiintindihan; na may trabaho ka, ako wala kaya ganun. Pero bakit, 'di mo ba magawang batiin ako 'pag gising mo sa umaga? Ha, ha? Sige, iintindihin ko. Ang gagawin ko, 'di na kita uunahang pansinin 'pag may trabaho na rin ako. Bahala ka.
> _____


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