Sunday, August 03, 2003

Unsettling discoveries

20:14:21/13-08-03
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21:02:00/13-08-03
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Well, thanks for your I-stories.
Sure, you’re entitled to having the time of your life, with Igo or with anybody else.
I dunno how to say this now. But judging from the way we’ve dealt with the difficulties we faced, I keep wondering if our withering away from each other was bound to happen.
I imagined you running to somebody else’s arms sooner than later because of that.
I must admit I didn’t have the slightest idea how to handle misunderstandings and emotional outbursts. I think I mishandled the Manny#2 episode. Maybe, I was too ‘natural’, spontaneous with my reactions. Even too extreme.
Well, Mr. I’s ‘natural’ entry into your life took place just when I thought things were getting better for us. (Funny the other day, I was just writing a story about the use of “e-go” smart cards. Can’t help noticing the irony)
As for me, I didn’t run into somebody else’s emotional rope.
Not yet.
Call me picky but I’ve discovered Ms. A.’s own flaws, which I can’t live with. Not least of which is the knowledge that she’s been seeing someone else on the side.
I dunno why I showed you those daft pictures of hers and Manens. Guess I just wanted to be absolutely honest with you about the whole thing.
Maybe the timing was perfect after all…
I’m sorry if I made you go through the exact same emotional storm in the past that I’m going through only now. I just hope I can deal with it as if nothing really happened.
Every normal human being is born with the ability to discriminate targets in life’s daily battles. My only hope is that Mr. I will make you become a better shooter.
I sort of degenerated in my prayer life lately. But if only for this intention I shall promise to fervently pray that you’ll be genuinely happy in his arms and care.
But if things would go wrong somehow, I’ll still be here for you.
Making you happy was something I sorely wanted to do.
By fighting for you, not with you. But it seems like I didn’t know to handle my own emotions. I knew I’ve bungled my chances. Add to that the challenge of distance.
It was tough. I poured out to you everything the way I knew best. I mortgaged the good things I’ve done in pursuit of those fleeting moments of magic.
It may seem moot now, and that silent pursuit may seem to you as lacking in substance.
Whatever becomes of the broken hearted, I’m yet to discover.
Now, I must battle with having to extricate myself from that natural state of things which drew me to you.
Going back to handling conflicts, I think they’re character builders. If there’s one good thing about wars, the kind that bites the flesh, it is that those who’ve seen it all and survived are taken to a higher stage of understanding.
It pushes civilisation forward.
I’m sure you now know how to handle your man better this time. But I know I shall be a better man because of you.

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