Thursday, August 14, 2003

Bargaining

C, u wr d8ng pla dos nyts i flt al alon.. nagpapksaya k whyl i ws walowng n solitud. U ddnt jst ignor m; wen id txt p ud outryt tel m 2 stop bothrn u. u prbbly wer peakn den, huh..? pro wen u got bak, u trnd 2 m 5:48

Pra aliwn k, pra my mgwa k s bksyon mo. Hndi b rsrv grl yang tntwag? Pro dat x txt ws d lst straw. U knw dat nyt, id thot evrtn ws gna b ok agn. Pro cdnt b mor wrng. D cmplt opost hpnd. Pro blsng dn, aftr al. 5:50

God Gives every bird its food, but He does not throw it into its nest.

What I’m about to say here may be academic now.
I was an extremist myself. To me it was the logical thing to do, and be. Perhaps I didn’t grasp how extreme my reaction was to things I hold close to my heart.
But some things that seemed logical then may not hold true now. Realisations never precede events. They only happen after one gets to see the bigger picture.
I’ve come to realise the way I reacted to the episode involving that med guy sprang from seeing things through my own little lens.

I was headstrong. But I should have used my head to handle myself, and my heart to handle others.

It’s getting clear now I had a limited understanding of your dad’s grip on your own judgement. I’ve never been in a similar situation before.
He has an extremely overwhelming power of suggestion over you, I thought, and he finally came around to using it.
Little did I know that the Manens episode would open my eyes far and wide about one startling reality. My parents suggested they finally found their choice for a lifetime partner for me. But when it comes to human emotions, only the heart reigns supreme.
And emotions take time to take root. And I only realised it now.

My parents have never done that before. So I didn’t know how to react when it happened to you first.
I’ve always followed my parents’ wishes since I was a child. But it’s one incident when I knowingly and deliberately disappointed them — and never felt guilty about it.

Back to the med school guy story: If you will recall, I was really fuming mad that the issue was brought up at all.
Maybe you didn’t read it between the text lines I sent after that. Maybe you weren’t aware of the emotional troubles I grappled with at the time. Maybe my words were never strong enough. Maybe you refused to acknowledge I am also an emotional human being who needed to be assured.
I kept on saying: “he desecrated/violated his own rule.”
That was the sticking point. Even if it was suggested in jest, I had an extremely different take of the situation. I felt mad. For a long time.
And when no soothing, even assuring words were forthcoming from you, that only reinforced my troubles.

It was my loneliest Christmas and New Year.

I was forced to live in exile, I thought, during what could have been my happiest days of the year, having the chance to spend it with you on the sly and being with my family.

All for an unrequited love. I thought your folks were more interested in your perceived future convenience than living what I thought was your undying love for me.

I felt to have been taken for a ride, agreeing to be alone on Christmas day just to so my girlfriend could be introduced by her own father to another “omagad”.

Again, that was a violation of a long-standing rule. Even if we’ve been breaking it, we both suffered for it.

But instead of reassuring words, you went on devaluing the meaning of Christmas celebrations to me.

Maybe you didn’t grasp how fuming mad I’ve become. So I’ve nothing to lose because I was already in hell — or high water.
I literally forced myself to date when Valentine came around because I thought that would ease the pain.
I thought you’d be burning the line with your dad’s “manok” na. After our never-ending fights, it would have been the logical thing to do.

Maybe Igo was your kneejerk reaction to a frustrating situation. I understand that. But it’s this same understanding that gives me hope of a more fulfilling life.

Now I understand the inner workings of my own emotions and how to deal with others’ feelings, especially of someone you profess to love deeply.
I’ve come to realise that insensitivity can aggravate what you later called a “non-issue”. But I also realise that going to the extremes — in words, in actions — does not help in having a better understand a given situation.
Because if every gripe against a person or a country is settled by setting off a nuke, the world would have been destroyed many times over.

Now i knw wat rytly 2 focus on. Kht ur stl holdn m bak bcoz of d way ud bn so rash w my hrt. M wary abt lovn agn 2 soon, & thngs wr hapnin so fst w igo dats y i dcdd 2 stop muna. I wna spnd enuf tym 2 colct mslf, 5:56

2 pik up d pcs & put dm bak 2gdr. Coz f its gna b igo, wel, he dsrvs evrthn iv got. Xcpt 1 thng m p/reservn, of cors.. nxt tym i get n2 a rel, i wna b sur n. may rsks p rn, sur. Bt i wna b sur its wat i brgaind 4. 6:05

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