Monday, December 02, 2002

Dalamhati sa isa't isa

Practically referred? There you go again. Why can't you get it through your very thick skull that it WASN'T an ENDORSEMENT. he and mommy just mentioned it in passing, at natatawa-tawa pa nga, that tita nitz wanted me to meet her son. it was tita nitz, not them! jeez. pinalaki mo naman talaga eh, when in fact i have more reason to blow up over this endorsement issue, dahil ikaw naman ang tinutulak talaga ng pamilya mo sa iba noon! hindi ba??

DI KO YUN PINALAKI. Nung sinabi mo yun, para paseselosin mo lang ako, ibang-iba ang dating sa akin. BUMUHOS ang ga-bundok na dalamhati.

Why can’t you argue without having to judge me as thick-skulled, by using words such makapal ang bungo o makapal ang mukha?

You made a big deal out of my own actions… and you counter-strike with the harshest words. But you don’t realize that words are all I have, too.

You h but
YOU STILL CAN’T GET IT.


pinipilit ka sa iba kahit alam naman nilang you were attached at that time. at nung umuwi kang huli, di ba hindi naman nila alam na di na tayo? pero pinagdudukdukan ka pa rin sa iba. tamo na lang yung si manens, nag-meet kayo, di ba? nag-meet kayo at naligo kayo sa sapa and you have pictures to show for it and you had long talks at kung anu-ano pa. She was ready to marry you, her parents wanted you to, and your parents were pushing you in the same direction, samantalang i've never even seen a shadow of that guy na bakla naman daw!

Ang dami-dami mo pang sinasabi na irrelevant naman. It's just all plain grave-digging. Why can't you just focus on your last few messages that December dahil that's what I brought up?? What, you can't find those from the ones you saved?? Bakit kailangan pang lumihis ang usapan? Gusto mo pa talaga paguluhin eh. Eh di sige!

I ASKED you to go on vacation earlier para di kayo sabay ni Daddy. Sabi ko pagbigyan mo na siya kasi he hasn't spent Christmas here in 16 years. 16 years! And I was 19 then! Bakit you gave me hell to ask that of you? Ayokong sabay kayo dahil mahirap yung gusto mo, ijuggle kamo kayo? Haha! Alam mo naman kung gaano yun kahigpit. As if makakalabas akong mag-isa pag nandito siya! Hindi mo alam how that hurt, the fact that you were willing not to see me basta you get to spend Christmas with your family. Ang sabi mo kahit minsan lang tayo magkita, basta nandito ka for Christmas. You knew it was impossible! You were asking me to sneak again, and I knew I couldn't do that with Daddy here. Noon ka lang naman pumayag eh. Umuwi ka, yes, but grudgingly. And now, what? Nobody asked that big a favor from you, to not spend Christmas with your family. But you chose not to. Ang lumalabas, kaya mo namang gawin pala yun without needing to be asked--pag basta ginusto mo lang--pero last year, you gave me hell for asking. Why?? It seems to me YOU were the one who picked a fight over that all along.

And now where's your family? Where's the family you love so much?? Bakit di mo sila inuwian? Kahit tawagan sila, ginawa mo ba? Bakit kaya mo silang tiisin ngayong Pasko pero last year, pinipilit mong hindi mo kaya?

I was jealous of your friends, yes! Because you came to them at the slightest bidding, whereas I had to move heaven and earth! I had to use harsh words pa before you agreed to anything. You said the vacation was for me, pero you still saw your friends.

Yes, you did that time! Ang ayaw ko lalo was after seeing me, you'd go see them naman till the wee hours! Ayoko nun, I felt used when you did that. Parang done with one pasarap, so sa iba naman.

Hitting two birds with one stone. I hated that. Tapos pag inumaga ka ng uwi, malilate kang pumunta sa akin. More time with your friends just means less time for me. Don't you know economics??

And no, it's not love. I've long forgotten what that word means. No thanks to you.

But I wonder why even now, I can't stop caring about all this. Maybe I will, once you stop blaming me. 'Cause I know I did what I did out of love. Jealous rages, messages peppered with cuss words...those were what you saw. I did them because I loved you then, even if it looked to you as if it was all done out of spite. But you didn't see me crying. And even if you did, it did nothing. I hurt you with words because they were the only things I had. But not even those seemed to get through to you. Di mo na lang ako pinansin eh. That's what hurt me the most. And I didn't even know why then. I didn't even know.


Jay Hilotin wrote:

I had to dig up my notes to get this:

Sept 23-2002
DakoTANGA.UdntHAV2spendS2PDxmasALONbutUcnSPNDdRESTfURlyfALON!
&nHEL!BURNthere,selfishPIECEfSHIT!IMthruWDurLIES.GS2kongMASUKA@puma2lAKOsMATNDANGpockmarkdASSHOLE!

This was before I agreed to go home. You see, I still agreed, despite the hurtful words you unleased there. I had to suffer more insult from you than I ever had to live with since birth. You called Christmas a stupid occasion. You practically bamboozled me to go home last October 2002, instead of around Xmas time that year. You unleashed the barrage of insults just because I was appealing my case with you.

Let me restate:
1. U used harsh words to make me violate my own heart, change my emotional calendar
2. I went home before xmas to avoid clashing with the vacation of your dad who hasn't seen many Xmases in the Philippines, according to you.
3. I went in self-exile.
4. I let go of the chance to spend the happiest time of the year.
5. therefore you asked me to substitute you for Xmas and my family
6. I agreed to that, and you didn't hear any harsh words from me. Just appeals that maybe you can juggle your family and me.
7. You were jealous of my friends at a time when they didn't even know I came home.

Now, on Nov.21, read what you texted me?

U think m chasing GRLS anywerIgo?> no,BTiDONTlykURrels"refern"uKNGkniknio,espWHENdyKNOWuALREADYhavAgf.MAYBdeyDOdatCOZuCOMPLAIN2dm?DONTu?

REMEMBER HOW I RESPONDED TO THIS?

You don't like my family referring me just anybody else. But you expect me to say I'm alright when the supreme earthly authority in your life, the cause of my self-exile and 3-1/2 years of sub-boyfriend status, practically referred you to a Manny No. 2.

Everything else, including our fights over my friends whom you accused of engaging in orgies, pales compared to this. You were so jealous about my friends during my vacation when all I ever asked was for a few hours with them. And you accused us of engaging in group sex? What kind of mindset do you have? Open my wallet to them? Wow, I didn't even see them then. They didn't even know I went home.

Now tell me if you're being fair...

This is my last take this year. coz even after a year of our virtual silence, everything you say, even if few and far between, affects me and my work.

I've had it with you, Mayee. You make my heart bleed everytime, with the kind of words no one had the gall to tell me.

Let's do each other a favor. Let's just try forget the hurts... and go on with our lives.

We've violated enough rules of engagement for such a crazy thing. And it's not love anymore.

Good luck to you.


----------
From: mayeepot_ter
Sent: Wednesday, December 31, 2003 9:10 pm
To: Jay Hilotin
Subject: RE: (BS wisdom) I just discovered something...


> In the last few texts before your big snobbery, we weren't fighting about "Manny #2," as you tagged him, whoever he is. We were fighting about your friends! I was complaining bakit pag sa kanila, you were ever-ready to take out your wallet and spend late nights, when ako ang nalulugi dahil late nights mean late mornings which in turn means late and shorter dates for us!!

> And you only referred to Manny #2 in the letter you sent when you ended your silence, eh hindi naman siya ang pinag-aawayan natin! Which means that you just made him out to be the reason behind our big fight Dec last year. Pinalaki mo lang.

YUN NGA ANG MAHIRAP SA PAG-IISIP MO. You think PINALAKI ko lang.

> Kaya pala nagtataka ako kung bakit di mo na ako pinapansin, at lalo na nang malaman ko na yung taong yun ang dinadahilan mo when di naman siya ang pinag-aawayan natin just before you shut yourself off! You never asked me to "salve" your heart or whatever, because you never let me know your heart's grievance! Probably because you didn't know yourself. Ginawa mo lang yung dahilan when you decided to end your silence. And don't try to deny it; I have proof.

> Jay Hilotin wrote:
>
> Response to email before this:
>
> Look at the habits that you've become accustomed to, habits that have become a part of you.
>
> Part of it is your inability to engage in a discourse without getting mad.
>
> Maybe you can't see the difference. Are you thinking when one disagrees with you, he also rejects you as a person?
>
> 'Course not. I value what I worked hard for. It should not be your concern. And I have my own way of doing things, of valuing what I hold dear.
>
> And you may never understand... but that's no longer my problem. Objectivity is out of the question. An emotional equation calls for a different solution.
>
> As for the total blackout, sige.
>
> Whoever blinks first - whether this 2004 or beyond - is the first one to recognise the wrong things that he/she has said and done.
>
> That's a deal.
>
> Bye.
>
>
> > ----------
> > From: mayeepot_ter
> > Sent: Wednesday, December 31, 2003 7:38 pm
> > To: Jay Hilotin
> > Subject: RE: BS wisdom
> >
> > Now you get it.
> >
> > Consider it a dare.
> >
> > First one to give in is a wimp.
> >
> > You don't want to be called that, right?
> >
> > Then prove you're not.
> >
> >
> > Jay Hilotin wrote:
> >
> > > Let's shed the past and let 2004 be a clean slate.
> >
> > What do you mean, as in total communication blackout?
> >
> >
> >
> > > ----------
> > > From: mayeepot_ter
> > > Sent: Wednesday, December 31, 2003 7:20 pm
> > > To: Jay Hilotin
> > > Subject: RE: BS wisdom
> > >
> > > Don't mess with me right now! You don't know how much pain I'm in because you're no girl!
> > >
> > > Perceived provocation, my ass! Who wouldn't get incensed with what you wrote? You just came up with an accusation hidden in a "peaceful" sentence.
> > >
> > > If you really had self-respect, you wouldn't have thrown away with 2 months of stupidity something you worked at for 3 and a half years . Sana pinahalagahan mo yung pinaghirapan mo, pero hindi. At sana you applied journalistic principles you should have mastered by now, like getting to the bottom of the story before jumping to conclusions, or at least hearing both sides. Oh but yeah, it wouldn't have worked kasi where's the objectivity there when the other side to be considered is yours? Kaya magtiis ka ngayon, nagdurusa kang mag-isa.
> > >
> > > Whatever.
> > >
> > > And when I said Happy New Year, I didn't mean it. I don't wish you anything.
> > >
> > > I don't want to give you anything and I want nothing from you. Pwede bang wag na tayong magcorrespond? It's these little reminders of a bitter memory that're getting in the way eh. Let's shed the past and let 2004 be a clean slate.
> > >
> > >
> > > Jay Hilotin wrote:
> > >
> > > See, you're incensed agad!
> > >
> > > Peace is an inner state of mind.
> > >
> > > It's one's habits that determine one's reaction to a stimulus, or a perceived provocation.
> > >
> > > Sabi nga ni Confucius: When you're patient in a moment of anger, you will escape a hundred days of sorrows.
> > >
> > > And the world surrenders to a calm heart.
> > >
> > > I lost track of the volume of incendiary words I kept to myself which I wanted to tell you but didn't.
> > >
> > > Gladly, I've erased them from my emotional memory now.
> > >
> > > > When oh when will one of us stop blaming the other? Kailan mo ko bibigyan ng peace of mind??
> > > >
> > > I realised that everytime we fought in the past, it's always me who's at fault. I needed self respect too.
> > >
> > > > Happy New Year na lang.
> > >
> > > Good girl, but I didn't wish to change you. Have a blast this Happy New year!
> > >
> > >
> > > > ----------
> > > > From: mayeepot_ter>
> > > > Sent: Wednesday, December 31, 2003 5:49 pm
> > > > To: Jay Hilotin
> > > > Subject: RE: BS wisdom
> > > >
> > > > Maybe it's not a boner, but there's still some bulge! Ewww! But if you think that's what will invite mails from ladies....
> > > >
> > > > >Sometimes, though, small differences are blown out of proportion, especially when you >allow a little misunderstanding to degenerate into name-calling. >
> > > >
> > > > Oh, but who let it develop into two months of snobbery? Without even an attempt to clarify what was misunderstood?? Who stopped reacting na lang ba all of a sudden? And who suffered the other's silence?!
> > > >
> > > > Sinong unang pumansin ulit kanino? Noon lang kita minura, dahil you deserved it. YOU DESERVED IT!
> > > >
> > > > Argh!!! I am not having this conversation! Not tonight.
> > > >
> > > > When oh when will one of us stop blaming the other? Kailan mo ko bibigyan ng peace of mind??
> > > >
> > > > Happy New Year na lang.
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > Jay Hilotin wrote:
> > > >
> > > > I swear to God it's not a boner you're seeing there in my pic.
> > > >
> > > > It's just the tricky print on the fabric of the shorts I was wearing.
> > > >
> > > > Maybe it's your eyes that's tricking you. I asked both a male and female colleague what's wrong with the pic. They didn't even notice what you saw.
> > > >
> > > > I thought of changing the pic, coz I thought there was a hole in my shorts, which was the impression i got from you. When I looked again, wala naman.
> > > >
> > > > I have no time to change the pic now...
> > > >
> > > > I'm rushing a story, and helping other colleagues file their last bits for the year too.
> > > >
> > > > Dec 25 still means a lot to me.>
> > > >
> > > > Oh, I'm praying now more. At least I try to. It's a violent form of prayer, forcing myself esp during those times I don't feel like it.
> > > >
> > > > But nothing and no one can change my affinity towards Christmas. It brings me back to my happy childhood amid the simplicity of provicincial life once again. And the richness of meaning of that day includes the familiar sights and sounds that comfort my heart.
> > > >
> > > > Yes, we differ over friends, lack of sibs, our op about how we value occasions such as Christmas, among many others.
> > > >
> > > > But no two persons are the same. Even so-called identical twins differ in many things.
> > > >
> > > > It's not the differences per se that make a relationship work or not, but how you deal with them.
> > > >
> > > > Sometimes, though, small differences are blown out of proportion, especially when you allow a little misunderstanding to degenerate into name-calling.
> > > >
> > > > Peace.
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > > ----------
> > > > > From: mayeepot_ter
> > > > > Sent: Wednesday, December 31, 2003 5:07 pm
> > > > > To: Jay Hilotin
> > > > > Subject: RE: BS wisdom
> > > > >
> > > > > <>
> > > > > the numbers refer to paragraphs from your last e-mail
> > > > >
> > > > > 2) Marowe's a nice name
> > > > >
> > > > > 3) So you still pray? I thought you wanted to forget abt being a Christian. Or was that only on Dec 25th?
> > > > >
> > > > > 4) receive her with all your heart? try including your life and mind, too. didn't you learn? if it's all hearts, it doesn't turn out well
> > > > >
> > > > > 5) yeah, 'cause as that song goes...learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all>
> > > > >
> > > > > 6) that doesn't make sense. why spend an eternity (or at least the rest of your life) with someone you have zilch in common with? not even one?? that's like the kiss of death.
> > > > >
> > > > > ang hirap nga kung maraming hindi common sa inyo eh. look at us. i didn't like your friends, i didn't have sibs, etc
> > > > >
> > > > > 7) who did i bust all those rules for again? you're forgetting.>
> > > > >
> > > > > p.s. your pic there is yucky, period. if you can't see it, go see an eye doctor, will you?
> > > > >
> > > > > 'cause you're being so dense, i'll attach something here for you to SEE what i mean.
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > > Jay Hilotin wrote:
> > > > >
> > > > > Mayeetot,
> > > > >
> > > > > Hope your 2004 will be better, as I do hope mine will be.
> > > > >
> > > > > Thanks for your concern about me finding my Marowe.
> > > > >
> > > > > I hope someday she'll come... But no, it's more of a gift of love I'm waiting and praying for right now.>
> > > > >
> > > > > That's because I believe I may not find love if I search for it high and low on my own. When love does smile at me, I shall receive her with all my heart.
> > > > >
> > > > > But first I must to learn to love, respect and care for myself if I have to love, respect and care for an entirely different person.
> > > > >
> > > > > And one has to be realistic. That one person whom I'd share the rest of my life with may never have a thing in common with me.
> > > > >
> > > > > Niway, hope all is well with you. I know you've been a nice girl (most of the time, except those times when you flaunted some rules written in Jeddah).
> > > > >
> > > > > PS: Just sharing with you some stress busters forwarded to me. And I don't see anything wrong with the picture I uploaded in filipinofriendfinder. Unless your third eye can see something else.
> > > > > _____________________
> > > > >